Monday, July 04, 2011

Never too early to start planning next Independence Day

It's the time of year when we celebrate the breaking away from the shackles of an elitist overbearing and intrusive government which neither knew nor cared about the aspirations of the ordinary man and woman, instead only caring about the tax revenue available from its subjects. Thus July 4th can never be 'undercelebrated.'

The celebration:
Start planning now for a safe and sane 4th: I offer these tips:

*Put pets in an isolated room away from the noisy festivities, leave their favorite toy, blanket, etc, with them.

*Use welding glove to hold that sparkler, wear goggles, have another person light it. holding both sparkler and lighter at full arm extension, best to employ at least 15 ft away from flammables and over concrete driveway with no oil patch. When done with sparkler, dispose of in coffee can filled with water. Drain water from can next day and Label can 'Danger: contains sharp/piercing objects' before disposing in trash', as outlined for similar objects in the OSHA Hazardous Materials documents.

*Hold poppers well away from face and other people before pulling that string. Pull string to right angles from body to avoid hitting yourself in face. Goggles cant hurt; neither can gloves, to avoid possibility of paper cut.

* Firecrackers, no matter how small, are dangerous and best left to professionals who are trained in government approved programs to set them off safely

* Equivalent noisemaker can be made cheaply by buying a perfectly flat 1x4 x 4ft board at your home improvement store and having the trained professional cut it in half. Securely attach some sort of handle/holding device on one side of each board. If unsure how to do that take boards to union journeyman finish-carpenter to attach.

*Wearing OSHA approved ear protection suitable for 120 db environment, clap the two boards together continuously at 5 second intervals from sundown till one half hour later. You will be gratified to know you are creating the same atmosphere as you recall from your youth and are annoying the neighbors just as much, if not even more.
- do not use near small children. Maintain at least 25 feet separation to avoid hearing loss and possibility they may stick fingers between boards.

* Best thing about this firecracker substitute is it is reusable -you may even wish to paint it a festive red/white/blue and adorn with an eagle decal- and after cutting and attaching handle and optional painting, has zero carbon footprint.
- A sound activated strobe light is also a nice touch, assuming local ordnance permits their use, and though it affects the carbon footprint to some extent. Unless it runs on batteries charged by solar panels.

Thus not only are you keeping yourself and loved ones safe, you are saving the planet and far-away polar bears at the same time

Have a Safe Progressive Fourth!

Next up, ditch that carbon belching grill and build -or buy- a solar cooker.

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