Wednesday, February 01, 2006

You're on notice, OSHA and EPA, that 'new-car smell' is a deadly Plot!

Environmental group contends drivers, passengers are breathing dangerous chemicals found in car interiors; calls for new regs.
NEW YORK ( - A Michigan environmental group is charging that at least part of the so-called "new car smell" is toxic, and that the interior of an automobile has dangerous levels of various chemicals.

The report, "Toxic at any speed," comes from The Ecology Center, an Ann Arbor, Mich.-based group. It reports that PBDEs, used as fire retardants, and phthalates, used primarily to soften PVC plastics, are found in dangerous amounts in dust and windshield film samples.
It called for tougher regulations to phase out the use of the chemicals as well as voluntary moves by the auto manufacturers to stop using the products inside of new vehicles.
. .. .
The report was released Jan. 11 during the North American International Auto Show in Detroit, but it received little attention outside of Michigan.

Ah... I love this stuff... I want a job as one of these reporters! In fact I want it so much I'm gonna write up the NEXT, follow-up article on it!

Here goes:

Next up....

A Michigan environmental group has issued a study report that claims up to 500,000 people, mostly middle class elderly, die from side-effects of "New Car Smell' each year.

"We have previously reported on the serious effects of chemical outgassing in these new cars... but these unfortunates were set in their ways of buying new if they could afford it." said Dudley Flora-Smith of the Michigan Anti-Plasticizerer and Tea Group society.

"But now they are dead, having paid the price for their materialistic profligacy. We are thinking of asking the ACLU to inquire into the possibility of filing a class-action suit on their estates' behalf"

"But it's not only the elderly that suffer," Flora-Smith continued "Exposing infants and newborn to the acrid atmosphere has its price, as well."

Citing the obvious increase in childhood asthma, he adds that "increased addiction to "foolers" - vinyl or latex nipple substitutes- on the part of infants, and the attraction of teens to 'huffing canned chemicals' also are related.

"The odor of the noxious gasses has its effects on the brain's pleasure centers and sets up susceptibility to various life-long addictions!"

Rumored to be considering joining the effort is the UAW, and the 'National Association of car detailers and dealer wash-boys'. Both on OSHA workplace safety grounds.

However the associated study into whether the inclusion of the odor is an intentional plot by automakers to create an addiction to buying new cars, may result in the former dropping out of the effort.

If that should happen, the Michigan Group intends to appeal to George Soros or, as they imply it might be related, somehow, to a Bush Administration plot to kill off seniors, thus allowing reduction in funding for the recently passed Medicaid Prescription Bill.

Asked for comment on this, Howard Dean, DNC party chair said; "It wouldnt surprise me a bit... we've already uncovered the corrupt GOP plot to victimize poor Indians just trying to scrape up enough money from bingo parlours to fund their own schools, why not MORE tax cuts by killing off the elderly?"

Sen Ted Kennedy concurred in a separate statement: "Not only that, I can tell you that the smell itself clouds judgement, especially when combined with a glass or two of wine at dinner and might result in unforeseen romantic attraction and subsequent driving off a bridge, somewhere."

Sen John Kerry's office said he was awaiting the results of a poll on the subject prior to making a statement.

Neither Jack Abramoff or any of several K Street lobbyist groups returned our calls.

Researchers for this news desk have found that Fidel Castro anticipated this problem years ago, when he instituted his policy of recycling older cars rather than importing newer ones. His mention of that noxious new-car odor in one of his famous 4 hour speeches was previously thought to be 'just filler'!

There doesnt seem to be much in the way of international reaction, otherwise.
Though a UN source, who declined to be identified, said from Secretary General Kofi Annan's office, that " might explain what happened to that luxury car" bought by Annan's son Kojo and billed to the UN.
"Perhaps he was offended by that odor and had it buried somewhere so it wouldnt affect anyone else" the staffer speculated.

Lined up against the suit:
"National Association of Undertakers and Embalmers", who themselves have fallen under the scrutiny of that Michigan group for use of potentially hazardous chemicals in the workplace.

- This just in..the UK Liberal Party, who are writing up laws on how owners must treat and care for their pets are thinking of including a clause that classifies an owner who transport a pet in any auto less than two years old, might be subject to investigation by council 'pet police'.


Pretty good, huh? Huh?