Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, Gore, Kerry and Dean..

Quick... what do they all have in common?

They all want the ear of Billy Joe Bob, the 'bubba'... Difference being the political ones only want him come election time. At which time they will talk down to him and think they're getting somewhere.

As in Kerry's "Kin I git me a huntin' License, here?" when he went photo-op hunting in Ohio in 2004.

They think the gum chewing, pick'em'up drivin', gun totin' yahoo's of the heartland dont understand nuance.
Well, they do... and the nuance they understand is "Someone wants to kill us..". And they ALSO understand when they are being made fun of.

Which they consider okay... if it's Larry or Jeff doing it... because they do it as one of them. But the hysterical Gore and Kerry and Kennedy bashing the guy they see as 'sorta one of us.. cuz he dont speak so good.." leaves 'em cold. And they might not even remember it until election time.

But then, when they try to figure out who to vote for and what matters most, that old common sense nuance is going to come back to them.

The latest histrionics on Cheney's hunting hilarity is gonna leave 'em cold, too. They'll laugh at Cheney and make fun of the incident but when it comes down to it, they've all been there, or close to it. And the more the beltway idjits harp on it, the better for Cheney.

And they'd vote for Larry or Foxworthy for Pres before they'd vote for those pitiful Eastern Dem elitists.

It would be even funnier if the Libs weren't so pathetic.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Steelers take it all!

I am so good! All the joy of the NFL season, as a Bengals fan, turned to dust for me on the second play of the first Cincinnati possession in the first playoff game they'd had in 15 miserable years.

For those of you who don't know the particulars... a Steeler defender was blocked down as he went for Carson Palmer, and Palmer went out with ACL and MCL tears. Our season was done.

Oh, Kitna is a good backup... perhaps, the best in the NFL.. but Carson is our GUY! And Kitna was rusty. Maybe, in looking back, it would have been better if the coaches had pretended it was nothing serious and that Carson might be able to come back in.. but, in reality, all the air went out of the Bengals' balloon in the second half. Well, we can't have a do-over on that. Life as a fan sux sometimes.

But after the Steelers took out the Colts, surely the best team in the AFC, and Denver beat the Pats, the second best team in the AFC, I began to think there was more afoot than just a team peaking at just the right time; there was a finger of fate in this.

Just as certain as I was that, with Carson at QB, the Bengals would have won that day.

So I picked Steelers to win the SB against Seattle... and posted the same on a fan forum on January 15. A lucky guess? Nope, no doubt in my mind they'd do it, it's just one of those things you KNOW! Now, on that same forum, there's a lot of Browns' fans... and I took stick...they hate the Steelers with a white-hot passion. But I'm a Bengals fan, I have had to be objective or I'd have off'd myself over it... well, not really.

Anyway, as the day of the game came around, I realized the Steelers would win by 10. I didnt know that before but it was clear to me the 4 point spread was at least 4 off.

Heh! So, if I was so certain, why didnt I lay some cash on it? Well, that part is the kicker..I found out some time ago that if I actually stood to gain anything by these 'hunches', they didnt work out. I could only bet my ego on it.

Oh, well.... I had a minister once, who was dead certain God was a football fan. Bet it was mainly so's he'd have an excuse to watch NFL on Sunday instead of doing calls except in emergency. But maybe there's something to it.. maybe Jerome Bettis really HAS been smiled on!

Never mind.. it'll be all that much sweeter next year, when Carson and the Cats eat the Steelers' lunch, both home and away!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

You're on notice, OSHA and EPA, that 'new-car smell' is a deadly Plot!

Environmental group contends drivers, passengers are breathing dangerous chemicals found in car interiors; calls for new regs.
NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) - A Michigan environmental group is charging that at least part of the so-called "new car smell" is toxic, and that the interior of an automobile has dangerous levels of various chemicals.

The report, "Toxic at any speed," comes from The Ecology Center, an Ann Arbor, Mich.-based group. It reports that PBDEs, used as fire retardants, and phthalates, used primarily to soften PVC plastics, are found in dangerous amounts in dust and windshield film samples.
It called for tougher regulations to phase out the use of the chemicals as well as voluntary moves by the auto manufacturers to stop using the products inside of new vehicles.
. .. .
The report was released Jan. 11 during the North American International Auto Show in Detroit, but it received little attention outside of Michigan.

Ah... I love this stuff... I want a job as one of these reporters! In fact I want it so much I'm gonna write up the NEXT, follow-up article on it!

Here goes:

Next up....

A Michigan environmental group has issued a study report that claims up to 500,000 people, mostly middle class elderly, die from side-effects of "New Car Smell' each year.

"We have previously reported on the serious effects of chemical outgassing in these new cars... but these unfortunates were set in their ways of buying new if they could afford it." said Dudley Flora-Smith of the Michigan Anti-Plasticizerer and Tea Group society.

"But now they are dead, having paid the price for their materialistic profligacy. We are thinking of asking the ACLU to inquire into the possibility of filing a class-action suit on their estates' behalf"

"But it's not only the elderly that suffer," Flora-Smith continued "Exposing infants and newborn to the acrid atmosphere has its price, as well."

Citing the obvious increase in childhood asthma, he adds that "increased addiction to "foolers" - vinyl or latex nipple substitutes- on the part of infants, and the attraction of teens to 'huffing canned chemicals' also are related.

"The odor of the noxious gasses has its effects on the brain's pleasure centers and sets up susceptibility to various life-long addictions!"

Rumored to be considering joining the effort is the UAW, and the 'National Association of car detailers and dealer wash-boys'. Both on OSHA workplace safety grounds.

However the associated study into whether the inclusion of the odor is an intentional plot by automakers to create an addiction to buying new cars, may result in the former dropping out of the effort.

If that should happen, the Michigan Group intends to appeal to George Soros or MoveOn.org, as they imply it might be related, somehow, to a Bush Administration plot to kill off seniors, thus allowing reduction in funding for the recently passed Medicaid Prescription Bill.

Asked for comment on this, Howard Dean, DNC party chair said; "It wouldnt surprise me a bit... we've already uncovered the corrupt GOP plot to victimize poor Indians just trying to scrape up enough money from bingo parlours to fund their own schools, why not MORE tax cuts by killing off the elderly?"

Sen Ted Kennedy concurred in a separate statement: "Not only that, I can tell you that the smell itself clouds judgement, especially when combined with a glass or two of wine at dinner and might result in unforeseen romantic attraction and subsequent driving off a bridge, somewhere."

Sen John Kerry's office said he was awaiting the results of a poll on the subject prior to making a statement.

Neither Jack Abramoff or any of several K Street lobbyist groups returned our calls.

Researchers for this news desk have found that Fidel Castro anticipated this problem years ago, when he instituted his policy of recycling older cars rather than importing newer ones. His mention of that noxious new-car odor in one of his famous 4 hour speeches was previously thought to be 'just filler'!

There doesnt seem to be much in the way of international reaction, otherwise.
Though a UN source, who declined to be identified, said from Secretary General Kofi Annan's office, that "...it might explain what happened to that luxury car" bought by Annan's son Kojo and billed to the UN.
"Perhaps he was offended by that odor and had it buried somewhere so it wouldnt affect anyone else" the staffer speculated.

Lined up against the suit:
"National Association of Undertakers and Embalmers", who themselves have fallen under the scrutiny of that Michigan group for use of potentially hazardous chemicals in the workplace.

- This just in..the UK Liberal Party, who are writing up laws on how owners must treat and care for their pets are thinking of including a clause that classifies an owner who transport a pet in any auto less than two years old, might be subject to investigation by council 'pet police'.


Pretty good, huh? Huh?